What I Can Do For Others ~ Dedicated to Uncle Bob

The following is a message I had sent to someone a few years ago regarding the passing
of a friend.   I might have posted a part of this before on my site.   I tried to look back
through my past posts, but did not find this story.   EVEN IF I had shared it before
it's well worth making a post again.   :)

No death is ever easy to accept, but I have come to know from others I have seen go
through it that the death of a child is THEE most difficult to live with.

A person who I've just 'met' recently online has lost someone near and dear to them, Uncle Bob.

In reading the messages that followed the post about Bob, another person wrote

that Bob's Mother is 92 and has now buried 2 children in less than two years.   

My first ever exposure to someone losing a child was my Great Uncle Vernon.
He was my Dad's Uncle.   A brother to my Dad's Father.    I was somewhere around
the age of 20 when Uncle Vernon's daughter Anita died.   She was 23 and had given birth
to a baby boy, just weeks before her passing.    She died of an infection.   
My Uncle's words echo in my mind today..... "A parent is NOT supposed to bury a child"

My making this post today ~ What I Can Do For Others ~ is my way of explaining to those
of you who don't know me that well.....   What makes me - ME. 

Please understand I am not patting myself on the back, I'm sharing this as a way to
say, 'You can avoid coming to this hard lesson that I learned when I was NOT there for my
friend in the way I could have been.'

AND one other GREAT BIG THING ~

"Be The Change You Want To See In The World" -
Thank you Mahatma Gandhi ( 1869 - 1948)



Thanks for letting me write to you and tell you the story of my friend.    I hope in the process of reading
this you will find hope about the difficult time you are going through regarding your friend.

We have to understand that friends are a blessing.    We enjoy them as they
are a part of our life and when God decides the day he calls our friends home,
then we honor the spirit of that friendship by sharing ourselves with others.

Unexpected deaths are very difficult too.   Just like on September 11, 2001
Those who were left behind had no final goodbyes.  As hard as it is to see someone we love and care
about suffer, it also gives us time for our goodbyes.

I would like to tell you about my friend Cindy……

Cindy my best friend died July 16, 2001

We knew each other from grade school.   Cindy was a year behind me in school.    We attended a very small Catholic school AND we lived a street apart from one another growing up.   
It was not until Cindy started to date my neighbor John that she and I HOOKED up as friends.   
I met Johnny when I was 6, he was 5, and my youngest brother Michael was 4.   
Johnny, my bro and I  WERE INSEPARABLE through our youth.   

When Cindy came to be Johnny's girlfriend, that just bonded she and I.

Cindy and I got a morning paper route together.    We did that for something like 5 years.   
365 days a year.   5:30AM on Weekdays, and a bit later on Saturday and Sunday.
John and Cindy dated maybe a year or so, but she and I were bonded forever.   
Johnny remained my friend too, but we seemed to go our separate ways.   
I did have him in my bridal party for my first wedding and I am still in touch with him now off and on via email.  He lives in another part of the state of Ohio.

I graduated high school in June of 1976.    Cindy was working at an answering service and she got me a job there in July of 1976.  She went on to graduate high school in 1977.
My first marriage was in April of 1978 and Cindy married her across the street childhood
sweetheart in July of 1978.
I had Nicole in Feb of 1982     Cindy had her Eric in March of 1982
Cindy had Lisa in Feb of 1984, on her own b'day  Feb 21.  I had Vinny in Aug of 1984.  ( My Air Force son )

Cindy and her hubby had a 3rd child.   Alex was conceived while she was taking strong meds.   
By rights he should have had very serious brain defects.   He was born perfect.   It was a total miracle.
Alex was born in the spring of 1993.   He was 8 the year Cindy died.
After Michael and I married I went on to have Kevin, my 3rd child. Also a boy.   Kevin was born in 1996.
Cindy’s and my life paralleled each other so much.

In later years we lived close to one another and attended the same church.
Our children attended the same Catholic elementary school together and
of course were in the same grades.

In early 1988 Cindy was diagnosed with leukemia.   For 13 YEARS she fought a battle.

I was fighting my own battle with an abusive husband.

For EVERYTHING we shared......... I never truly shared what  my life was like.   
Shame, embarrassment, I could go on and on why I did not share what was going on with me.
After 1988, I would NOT DARE share with her.    She had her own problems and I FELT that I could not add to her problems.   I now know how wrong that was.   She would have been there for me had I let her.

I started my divorce in 1994.    At that time I let her in on a little of what was the reason.   

Then in later 1994 I met Michael.  My life moved in another direction..........   I was working now full time
and my kids were 13 and 11.     Their Dad (the ex) remarried and was in an awful situation and dragging the kids through his BS.
Other friends stepped up to be the friend to Cindy that I should have been.
We did not totally lose touch, but it was not nearly what it should have been.

Cindy had a stem cell transplant in 1998.   She was technically cured of the leukemia.   The stem cell transplants were so new, that Cindy's case has been used as ground work for others.
To have the transplant her whole immune system had to be irradiated.
This left her with less immunity than a preemie.

On Friday, July 6, 2001.   My last day of work at a company I worked at for 11 years.
At the time my kids were.... Nicole 19, Vincent 17, and Kevin 4.   I was in a position to be a stay at home Mom for the first time ever in my Motherhood. :)

That following week on Thursday, July 12th I attempted to call Cindy.   
She was 42 and I was 43.   
Her daughter answered the phone and told me Cindy was taken to the
hospital the night before.
Four days later on July 16th, Cindy died.   A massive infection had overtaken her system.   I was able to make it to the hospital  for a last goodbye.... she could not talk, but a faint smile was
on her lips as I spoke to her.

THE PAIN OF LOSING HER WAS SO GREAT.    I felt such guilt !!!!!!!!!

It took me nearly a year or more after Cindy's death to come to terms with myself.   
In that I found out that I could not do for Cindy, but my legacy to her would be what I could do for
others in this world.
I would always have described myself as a 'giving person', but I vowed to be more so in her honor.
I also vowed to never let a moment pass without those people who are important to me to let them know just how important they are.
I have become a better person and friend in Cindy's loss.   :)

Something very important happened after Cindy's passing.   I have felt her with me.   

Parts of her will never not be there.   I hear her voice.
She used to have this way she phoned me and when I answered
she would say............  " D E B R A "   in a nearly breathless urgent state.
Nothing was wrong, it was just her.   I hear that often.!!!!!!!!

I also have a story to share of something that happened to my daughter Nicole
just a few months after Cindy died. I had written that out for an online site I am a member of.
It's dated Sept 18th 2002.

I’ll share that now…..

My Crossed over friend Cindy

September 18, 2002   

The funeral and goodbye were so very hard……
As I walked away from Cindy’s grave site, small white butterflies floated all about.   

In a gentle wind I could hear a soft wind-chime that had been placed at someone else's grave.
Those two items were to become wonderful peaceful reminders of Cindy's continued presence with me.
I told every one of the butterflies and the calming feeling I had whenever I would see one after that.

Jump ahead now with me to September 9, 2001.
My daughter Nicole and her best friend Becky, also 19, had taken a first ever non-family vacation.
They flew from Ohio to Arizona and were staying with Becky's older sister and her husband.
They were heading down to Mexico and had just parked the car to walk across the border.
Nicole got out of the car, and crumpled to the ground.

It was 5 years ago that she had been diagnosed
with epilepsy, yet she had been totally controlled with medication and never until
that day had a seizure in public.   With her seizures, she does not lose
consciousness, her legs give out and she has jerking motions with her limbs.

At 6pm on Sept 9th I received a call from Becky that
Nicole was in the middle of a seizure and they were driving her to the hospital.
My heart sank to my stomach as my baby was hundreds of miles away and there was
nothing I could do to GET TO HER.   I hung up the phone and prayed a silent prayer...
'Dear God please take care of her'.... my next thought went out to Cindy.....
'Dearest Cindy, please go and be with my baby, as I cannot be there'.!!!

Hours seemed to pass as I waited for a call.
In the mean time, I called the airlines to see IF I could get the girls home
on an earlier flight.   They were scheduled to return on 9-11.   
I would be able to do that with a copy of her hospitalization record.
By now it was very late on Sunday and I dismissed my
first instinct to GET HER HOME... I can clearly recall
saying to myself... 'What difference will a day make'.!!

I received a call from Nicole just after 11:30 Sunday evening.   
She was back at Becky's sister's house and doing fine.   The seizure had passed and she had no
ongoing problems.
Through her tears she said to me....
"Mom, this is just almost unbelievable what I am going to tell you but here goes"....
Becky was at my bedside nearly every second, but whenever she was not with me and I was there alone....   I KNOW CINDY WAS WITH ME."

"I broke down and cried for the first time that evening....and said back to her...
I KNOW she was baby...  I asked her to be there".

I discussed the idea of them coming home early on 9-10 and we agreed they would just wait
as scheduled to come home on 9-11.

On 9-11 I placed a cell call to the brother-in-law....telling him all air travel was just suspended.
They were 1/2 hr from the Phoenix airport and  turned around.   
Thank goodness the girls were not in the air at the time.

Those days that followed 9-11, I was in constant touch with Nicole via phone.   She continued to feel Cindy with her.   She also found comfort in the hordes of butterflies that were surrounding the house where she was staying.    I imagine they were on a migration to Mexico, but it was one more thing of constant comfort for my daughter.

They were able to return on Friday, September 14th
as one of the first flights resuming after the national 9-11 tragedy.   It took nearly
15 hours from the time they left  AZ until they landed at Cleveland airport.
I can hardly describe what that reunion with my
daughter was like... I just WOULD NOT LET GO OF HER.

As a footnote to this story.... my Dear departed friend's name was   Cynthia Marie.

The family Nicole stayed with, Becky's sister's name is...
Cynthia.....   and Becky's middle name is.... Marie.
------------------------
My 19 year old aged a great deal in those days following her seizure.
Below is an excerpt from a posting my daughter left
on our "My Family Site" to let everyone know how she
was doing...........

But the people we encountered on all of our flights were extremely nice and caring.   Many of us flyers told each other our stories of being stranded and I overheard one woman on her cell phone who had to call her Mom and tell her she was coming to see her but it was supposed to be a surprise, but since our flight was delayed at Chicago for so long she had to ruin the surprise and she started crying on the phone to her Mom.   It was pretty sad.   

But after everything that has happened, with my seizures and this national tragedy I couldn't thank God, and his angels enough for watching over me.   Especially his one angel "Cindy"   who was with me everyday. [Cindy was my mom's best friend's who passed this year.]   I told my Mom I have never felt such a strong calming presence in all of my life.   That was every time I would think of her..   

When I was in the hospital laying there my best friend left the room for a brief moment,   and I suddenly realized who was standing in her spot.   It was one of my mom's best friends there to comfort me.   I couldn't see her but I really didn't need to because tears were streaming down my face,   and then a smile because I just knew who was at my bedside!!!!   God Bless Cindy because she kept me safe, gave me strength and flew next to those planes with me on the trip home !!   

I strongly believe there is a reason for everything that happens,   whether it is good or bad.   And I was not meant to go to Mexico,   Not that day at least!!
My Mom has a wonderful saying and it goes "AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
My seizures were upsetting and traumatic.   But nothing like what those people in NYC are dealing with.   And I thank God I'm alive and I have so many things to be grateful for.   I never realized before.   But it's taken me quite sometime to say things could be worse, and there is someone out there who has it 10 times worse than me.   So I pray for what I have.   I'm so grateful for everything I just can't even express it in words.   And I will always remember the good things you do in this world will come back to you!!   
Well, I must go, but I thank you all for your love, prayers, and support!!   

God Bless America!!!!   Love Always-------Nicole    
@---)-----           : )